Thank you to those who’ve joined the 30 days to a better booty challenge! I’m excited to see how everyone enjoys the program! I had a different post planned for today. But as life seems to go these days, I didn’t have time to research and prepare for it. So it got pushed off to some time in April or May.
Over the last few days I’ve realllly been struggling. And last night it all culminated for me. I was frustrated with Instagram. I was frustrated that my house looked a mess. I was frustrated that after dance class, I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to get my kids fed, all while the baby screamed, Little A asked about 756 times when her dinner was going to be ready and I hadn’t the slightest idea of what I was going to eat.
That’s when I felt like I’d had enough. Last night, I just felt……defeated. So I took the night off Instagram and instead I vacuumed and cleaned my hardwood floors. And I gave my kids a long bath. And I took a shower. And I read with my girl and let her sleep in bed with me.
This week has been hard. Having Kellen gone is honestly about to do me in. We’re two weeks in to a 5 month assignment and I am ready to throw in the towel and move us to Wichita to be with him. I’ve found myself sobbing on multiple occasions, feeling completely at a loss for what to do and how to make this all work. Being with the kids 24/7 with no help is HARD. I don’t have a nanny, or a housekeeper, or a gardener or any alone time to speak of. I can barely get a 15-20 minute workout in before EJ starts fussing in his corral wanting to get out. Which means he immediately heads to the stairs, or into the bathroom to play in the medicine cabinet. At times I feel like I’m doing awesome, and other times I feel like I’m losing myself and barely keeping my head above water.
In reality, it’s not like we’re just 2 weeks in. We’re going on 7 months of continuous travel for Kellen. He’s been gone more than he’s been home. And I don’t know if it’s the stage of life my kids are in, but they are wearing me out. My patience is slim and I honestly feel like the worst mom ever right now.
Thank God for my parents! They have been so supportive and have been coming over to help as much as they can, but still, being without help most of the time is rough. I honestly don’t know how military families do it for a year. Or how single parents do it. If any of you are reading this, y’all are rock stars in my book.
So last night I called grace. I decided that now isn’t the time to think about all the things I want to accomplish; because they probably won’t happen. Now isn’t the time to focus on growing by leaps and bounds with my blog or even on Instagram. Now isn’t the time to think I can be all things to everyone. Because I just can’t.
Now IS the time I need to be giving my children extra attention. I need to be focusing extra hard on their well-being, as well as mine. I need to be thinking about how I’m going to make each day special for them. I can see it on both of their faces and hear it in my daughter’s voice. This time with daddy away isn’t easy for them. Little A, especially, is struggling just like I am. And it just about breaks me at times. The mornings she’s woken up asking if daddy was home. The evenings she’d ask him on the phone if he’s coming home tomorrow. It brings me to tears. My heart hurts for them.
So yep, I’m calling grace because right now I want to make sure my children understand that just because Daddy isn’t home all the time doesn’t mean they are less loved. I want them to know that they are important. I want to savor my children while I have them. I want to make them feel safe and loved. I want them to know that they are the most important things in my life. I don’t want them to ever feel like they are a burden.
And I want to make sure I have actual ME time. I want to give myself time in the evenings to just relax and maybe read a book or watch a show. Or hell even go to bed early. These next few months aren’t going to be easy on any of us. So I’m giving myself grace and remembering that this time with my kids being little is limited and they are my number one and who gives a shit if the housework doesn’t get done or of I only write one blog post a week. When I die I’m not going to wish I’d worked harder during this time. I know that for a fact.
EJ is turning one next week and honestly, it is breaking my heart that he’s not going to be a baby anymore. I know some moms can’t wait to get out of the baby phase. But I miss him being little. I miss snuggling him when he wasn’t so squirmy, trying to get down and crawl. I miss how he’d just stare at me and smile and laugh. He still does that, but usually it’s while he’s running away from me trying to climb something. I want to savor the curious mind Little A has. She’s reading like a champ and I’m loving listening to her learn new words and grow into the most beautiful little girl. I want to hold my children as much and as long as I can. I want these moments to be embedded in my memory because they are so fleeting, and I don’t feel like I’ve been doing them justice. I want to be better for them. They deserve the best.
So I’m sorry if I’m not as present in this space as I used to be; at least for the next few months. I will still try to post once or twice a week. And it may take me a bit longer to respond to emails or read blog posts. But I’ll be spending that extra time making sure my littlest loves are being cherished and that my needs are being met.
I sat here writing this post in tears. I miss my husband desperately and wish we could be together more often. I keep saying it’s just a moment in time; which it is. But when you’re in the moment it’s never easy. This phase that we’re in will be great for our family in the long run, we just need to get through it. And I know we will; and we’ll grow and learn so much from this experience.
Thanks for all your continued support. Love you all so very much!
You have such a sweet little family and I can only imagine how hard it is trying to juggle so many things on your own, but I have a feeling you are doing so much better than you think you are & your kids are so lucky to have you as a mom!
I want to second this…you are doing a great job as I can tell from your heart in this post. Your children are blessed to have you as a mom!!
I’ve been thinking of you guys and wondering how you were doing with it all. It sounds like you are making some very wise choices. You’ll never regret focusing more on your family and less on the other things. Keep your chin up, my friend. You are a great Mama. You’ve got this! xo
Oh girl. I cannot even imagine. I know this has been so hard for your family and you have got to do things that help you during this time (and always). Thinking about y’all!
But you are accomplishing so much during this time. You are bringing up your kids in a great environment. Teaching them about courage and sacrifice at such a young age. Plus you’re spending time with them at such a crucial time in their life. I always say this, but you and A are literally best friends and I love how you two interact with one another. Your family’s sacrifice is admirable!
I wish I lived closer so I could come over and watch your kiddos so you could get out of the house for a little bit by yourself! You are so strong and they will know that you both are ultimately sacrificing the most to give them the best you possibly can. When my sisters husband travels she uses a lot of mommy’s helpers type of support. They are that 12-15 year old bracket that want to get experience with babysitting but can’t really be there by themselves. It’s super affordable and it helps them build their resume. That way you can just have another set of hands. Ask around at the dance studio if any of the teachers want to pick up a few hours or if they have kids that want to earn a little extra. It is a total lifesaver!
Aww, my heart broke while reading this. I so wish I lived closer to you… I would be scooping up your littles and giving you some much needed breaks.
I remember when Evan was out of town working all the time – it was so hard… especially on the kiddos. Call grace. Take care of yourself. Take care of your babies. Rest your mind, body, and soul.
Big hugs friend!
Oh girl, I am so sorry! We did a few months apart last year and it is rough! At the end of the day sometimes all you want to do is crawl under the covers and disappear! But you’ve got this! Being a sort-of single mom is for sure tough. And taking care of yourself and your kids is for sure #1. We all support you even if you don’t post more than once a month!!! You can do it!!!
You have so much going on girl and sometimes (actually a lot of the time) we expect so much of ourselves and there is just not enough time in the day to accomplish it all! I’m glad that you are giving yourself some grace and you know what – that bath time & time you took for yourself is so much better than anything that could have happened on IG!! xo, Biana –BlovedBoston
Oh such a tough time! 24/7 solo parenting is not easy. You are smart to step back. You will never wished you blogged more during a time like this. Your loyal readers will stick around! Your kiddos will cherish the time with you even more when they miss their dad. And as an added bonus: I find that my kiddos behave better when I make sure they get enough of my time. So maybe giving yourself grace in certain areas (housework, blog) will make your life run a bit smoother? And keep getting the workouts in!! They make such a difference during stressful times. Hang in there. 🙂
Thanks Emily. Yes, I can definitely tell that both kids are happier (especially my daughter) when I make special time for them. I’m really focusing on that individual time these days. My kids and my health are my top priorities right now. The rest can wait! Thanks for the encouraging words!
Tiffany, I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this. I know it was posted on the 23rd, but for some reason, I really thought about you a lot last night. I should have called! I thought about how stressed you probably are. I think it’s great to give yourself grace and just focus on the kids. Your blog will still be successful because you are you on here and you still value it. Let yourself have more kid and ME time! I wish I was closer and could help with the kiddos more often. I saw, first-hand, EJ head straight to those stairs! I can only imagine the stress that you deal with 24/7. I’m praying for you my friend, and K. Love you!